Often, at this time of year, I – and others I know – feel a little ‘blue’. It’s cold outside (at least it is here in many parts of Canada), the holiday madness is over, and another year of goal setting and action planning is upon us. This ‘blue’ feeling is what has inspired me to write this post.
I am, overall, a very happy person. I have realized that, while that is the case most of the time, there are other times where my happiness wanes. During those times, I am aware that my thoughts are different … they are less positive and they are quite clearly impacting my emotion (I feel ‘blue’) and my behaviour.
I speak to audiences every day and share the latest research on happiness and well-being. In fact, the new term in Positive Psychology is ‘flourishing’…isn’t that a wonderful word! So what, I wonder, does a flourishing human being think, feel and do?
I am attracted to, and my audiences appreciate, quick little strategies and tools to shift energy when the ‘blues’ arrive. I’d like to share a few of them with you today.
One great resource I discovered (actually, a wonderful colleague introduced me to this; thank you, Jennifer) is
The Happiness Institute’s Daily Happiness Checklist. You can print this off and keep it close to your desk and quickly review it each day. You’ll definitely notice a shift in your energy.
Another quick resource is to begin a gratitude journal. Each day – record two or three things for which you are grateful. At first, you might find that the items you record are huge, significant items…like the love of your children, your mothers wise words, etc. After awhile you will find yourself including other things …like fresh, crisp air and dental floss. The idea is – and it seems to have sort of magical results – when you focus on what you are grateful for, you magnify the positivity of that item (and you engage the positive emotion of gratitude). Another strategy that I use regularly with groups is to shift negative, unhelpful thoughts to more positive, helpful ones. It sound so simple, and yet results in a shift in energy (from the blues to something warmer…maybe orange!) that can propel you to make different, more productive choices.
Recently, Barbara Ehrenreich has received a lot of press around her book ‘Bright-Sided’ which seems to blame positive thinking for enabling people to avoid confronting serious problems in the workplace, the economy, or in their lives. Ms. Ehrenreich certainly has a point in that none of us is served well if we stick our head in the sand, sing ‘Kum Ba Ya’, and wish that all bad things disappear. We need to be cognizant of what is really happening around us. However, too much focus on problems – in my experience – just creates more (magnifies) problems.
Consider my friend Jane who is dying of cancer. Jane knows the reality – she is dying – and she knows that she has a choice around how she will spend her remaining days with her family. It can only serve Jane well to decide – to choose – to be positive. To think positively about what is possible during her shortened life and to send that energy out to everyone else around her. I mean, what are her options…to spend the short time she has with her loved ones consumed with negativity and sorrow? I cannot fathom any purpose served by Jane staying engaged in negative emotion – no purpose for her and certainly none for her loved ones. Jane is not in denial – she is in choice.
One last strategy I would like to share is one that I use regularly…I love it’s simplicity and effectiveness. Whenever you find yourself in a situation that is not ideal, decide to A.C.T.: Accept your current reality (for Jane, she would say ‘I accept that I am dying’), then Choose a vision of what you would like in this situation (Jane might say ‘I choose to enjoy every moment with my family and to create more lasting, fond memories’), then Take action to achieve the vision. Jane can:
- think positive thoughts about herself
- think positive thoughts about the people around her
- decide to connect with her family whenever she can
- ask lots of questions of others to shift focus away from her illness and toward the myriad of activities that others are involved with
- end each day with a gratitude journal
Each of these actions will help move Jane TOWARD her vision (what she wants) so she is not using her energy moving AWAY from what she does not want (the reality of her situation).
I believe you can be both realistic AND hopeful! As I left my visit with Jane a few days ago, she smiled to me at the door and said ‘you never know, Deri…I might just be a medical miracle’. And, I agree, you never know – so why not think (feel and do) like it’s possible. I’d call that flourishing!
What do you think?
Archive for the ‘Resilience’ Category
Feeling ‘Blue’?
Wednesday, January 27th, 2010Move INTO A NEW GROOVE in 2010!
Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009This is the time of year when many of us are thinking about the new year ahead of us. It is a common practice to begin thinking about resolutions for the new year. Of course, we all know the humour around New Year’s Resolutions…they often aren’t very long-lived (i.e. resolve on January 1, break the resolution on January 3!!) Like all good intentions, new year’s resolutions are just that…good intentions. They need some work in order for them to become reality!
There are some other resources you can use to help you focus on what you want as you look ahead. One is called The Coaching Game . I learned about (and purchased) this great resource while attending the First World Congress on Positive Psychology this summer. The game allow you to ask yourself questions, and then uses pictures, words, and stories to help you self-discover.
Another amazing resource that I have used with clients for many years is an Outcome Specification Exercise. This set of questions allow you to identify – at a sensory level – what it is that you want and how you will know when you have it. It is a modification of an exercise I learned when I became certified as a Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner. Ask yourself these questions to specify your outcome.
1) What specifically do you want?
Make sure this is stated positively. For example, rather than saying “I want to lose 20 pounds’, says something like ‘I want to be healthy’.
2) How will you know that you have reached your outcome?
Identify exactly how you will know that you have what you want. Identify what you will see, hear and feel, that will indicate to you that you have what you want.
3) How would an observer be able to detect that you have what you want?
Think about others around you…how would they be able to know that you have reached your outcome? What will they see; what will they hear?
4) What will having this outcome do for you?
Identify all of the benefits of having your outcome.
5) What stops you from having it now?
Keep asking yourself this question ‘what else stops you?’ until you have no more responses.
6) What are you willing to do in order to get your outcome?
This will help you to begin to develop the necessary action steps required to achieve your outcome…including different ways of thinking, feeling and behaving.
7) What are you willing to stop doing (something you have been doing that has been preventing you for getting your outcome) in order to get your outcome?
This last question can be very illuminating! Sometimes we get in our own way!
Try one of these strategies – or another one – and let me know how it goes!
In the mean time…best wishes for a GROOVY new year!!
What is NLP?
Wednesday, November 11th, 2009I am often asked ‘what is NLP?’ I became a certified practitioner of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) in 1991. After a brief exposure to it through a colleague, I instantly recognized how NLP could be useful to me – in my work and in my life.
NLP is an approach to positive personal change. It provides a set of tools to help deal with unhelpful patterns of thought and behaviour, while simulatenously introducing new, helpful patterns. NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming) was created by Dr. Richard Bandler and Dr. John Grinder in the early 1970’s. As the name suggests, NLP is about the relationship between the brain (neuro), verbal and non-verbal language used to communicate (linguistic), and the unique way they come together to create behaviour (programming).
You have some personal programs that work for you; and others that work against you. NLP allows you to keep the ones that work for you and change those that do not. The key, of course, is in being able to identify the program…NLP is about increasing your self-awareness, and then taking control of your thinking.
One enlightening NLP exercise has to do with recognizing and shaking limiting beliefs. A limiting belief generally begins with one of the following:
‘I can’t… ’
EXAMPLE: ‘I can’t speak in public.’
‘People should…’
EXAMPLE: ‘People should be friendlier.’
‘Everyone thinks…’
EXAMPLE: ‘Everyone thinks communication in this company is poor.’
‘People never…’
EXAMPLE: ‘People never listen to me.’
Whenever you hear yourself making one of these statements, try this strategy.
Step 1: Challenge the belief: Where does this belief come from? Is this belief still valid? What evidence do I have to support this belief? What evidence suggests the belief is untrue?
Step 2: Find an alternative belief: Consider many possibilities. Try on new beliefs that are more positive and choose the best one for you.
Step 3: Integrate the new belief: Imagine how things will be different with the new belief and consider how you will feel about this change. imagine yourself doing going through your life, interacting with others, with the new belief. How do you feel? Is this motivating for you?
Even though the name is long and looks complicated, the strategies of NLP are quite easy and straightforward. The key is repetition and attention. In the strategy above, if the belief is well ingrained in your thinking (if you have held the belief for a long time or if it is associated with a significant experience or memory), you may need to repeat the process about several times before you can fully integrate the new belief. Then, attend to the new results in your thinking, feeling and behaviour.
Do you have a belief that is getting in your way? Send your story after you try the strategy above. What new results are true for you?
Smile; and the World Smiles WITH You!
Tuesday, December 30th, 2008I have always been fascinated at this time of year. People are generally pretty happy as the holiday season approaches; although we are busy, we tent to more often smile at each other and wish each other a ‘Merry’ this or a ‘Happy’ that. Have you noticed that when someone smiles at you, the urge to smile back is irresistable? Really, it IS irresistable!
I recently read about the latest discovery in Neuroscience; the presence of mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are exactly what makes a smile from someone irresistable; when you see a smile, your mirror neurons engage and you smile back. Of course, the same is also true. Seeing a frown, inspires a frown back.
There is something else that is interesting about this discovery of mirror neurons, and about what we have discovered lately about social intelligence (and how we catch each other’s emotions, just like we catch colds from each other). When you see someone else smile, and you smile back; the muscles you use in your face to smile signal to your brain that you feel good…and you start to feel good.
Try an experiment. Head out to do your usual chores. Then, smile…regularly. What do you notice? I’ll bet you notice MANY smiles back at you! You will definitely feel better; and guess what, you will have a role in others feeling better too! No better gift, I think, at this time of year!!
Happy New Year!!
Presume Innocence
Thursday, October 16th, 2008Presume innocence. What a nice mantra for life (if not for all, at least for many parts of life). This has come up a number of times in my seminars and keynotes of late. The idea is that when we decide to ‘presume innocence’ on the part of others, we are often more flexible, resilient, and effective in responding or dealing with the challenges in life.
Let’s look at an example. Your boss has promised to meet with you at 3:00 p.m. today. It’s 3:25 p.m. and your boss is nowhere to be found. You might be tempted to think ‘How inconsiderate! Why doesn’t she value my time?’. This thinking might cause you great anxiety and tension, so that when your boss does finally arrive to meet with you, you will be less effective in the meeting because you are distracted by your negative emotions. Now imagine that you presume innocence on the part of your boss. You might think ‘I am sure something critical came up for her. She would have called me had she thought of it; perhaps I neglected to tell her how important this meeting is to me. When she gets in, I’ll be sure to tell her.’ When your boss arrives, you will be feeling much more resourceful in your meeting with her, and you can reinforce with her what you’d like her to do the next time she is running late.
The idea is, presuming innocence reminds you that generally speaking, and for the most part, the other person is not trying to negatively impact your day. That person does not have the intention to mistreat you, and if that is the effect of their behaviour, they don’t know it (and you have to let them know).
I remind myself constantly to presume innocence. I find that the gift of this presumption is to myself; I am better able to communicate what I need from people and I have access to the more positive emotions I need to help me to be more effective overall.
Tell me about a time you presumed innocence. What was the situation? How did it work for you?
