Archive for the ‘Happiness’ Category

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Frogs, Wolves and Hope

Friday, September 3rd, 2010

Our family just finished a month’s vacation at a cottage in Lac du Bonnet, Manitoba. It was – unquestionably – one of our very best family vacations. There are a number of reasons for this (some you can likely guess…we were all more relaxed since we had no schedule what-so-ever, we read more, the only sounds we heard were of the waves from the dock or the wildlife nearby, we had some of the best conversations we have ever had, etc.) One of the big reasons for me was a lesson on ‘hope’, courtesy of my son, Max.

The cottage we rented was on a beautiful, large piece of property. One of the wonders Max discovered soon after our arrival was that frogs resided in various points around the property. Max’s older sister, Ali, has always been a skilled frog-catcher. She loves every living creature, and will do what it takes to bond with them (including – totally grossing out her mother – jumping in the slimy, muddy, creek to ‘fish’ for the lovely green slimy hoppers!) Max had not – up to this point – been as willing, or as productive, as his sister in this regard. Until just the other day.

We were expecting company for the weekend. Max’s cousins – who are just 4 and 2 years old – were coming to hang out with us. Max wanted desperately to be able to impress them with a frog. We arrived at the cottage a couple of days before our company was scheduled to arrive. Max was no sooner out of the car then he was frolicking around the yard looking for frogs.

No luck. Max searched high and low and could not find a single frog. The day our company was expected to arrive, Max arose very early and started to search again. Alas, he found a beauty…who he immediately named ‘Harold’. Max brought Harold to the dock where his sister and I lazily read our books. Max was so proud of himself ‘look at him , Mom…he’s a beauty…Hazel and Oscar will love him!!!’ Max sat down to read his book for awhile, and carefully put Harold (in his plastic glass with water and grass) beside him. A few minutes later Max looked into the glass…and Harold was gone. ‘Oh, No!!!!’ ‘He’s gone!!!’ ‘I should have had a lid…why did I bring him to the dock…oh, no…I messed up!!!’

Max was bummed. It took him 2 days to find a frog to impress his cousins…now the frog was gone!! I consoled Max as best I could … ‘Harold’s back with his family now….you’ll find him again when you need to…there are plenty of frogs around…etc.’

Max disappeared. I went looking and found him on the hammock looking very sad indeed. I could see that he was ruminating on how he had ‘messed up’. ‘How are you doing, Max?’ I asked. ‘Oh….I am mad at myself…I messed up….I should have had a lid on the glass.’ Max replied. ‘Maybe, Max…but you have to believe that you’ll find another frog. Remember that you searched high and low for 2 days and found Harold. There is another frog out there…don’t give up. If you stay stuck in regret over the past, you won’t be able to see another frog even if it hops right past you.’

I noticed Max was up and searching within a few minutes. Had he continued to beat himself up for the ‘mistakes’ he made with Harold, had he continued to tell himself (as he had in the past) that he will NEVER find a frog, he will NEVER be as good as his sister) he would not have had the vision he needed to see the 5 frogs he caught while his wee cousins visited us.

I think Max’s experience is a perfect demonstration of the power of hope.

Hope is about believing in a positive outcome, no matter the circumstances. Max changed his negative thinking into positive belief…and he became the frog-catching idol of our cottage!!

Does hope really make a difference? Brain research continues to confirm that hopeful people are better problem solvers. Organizational development approaches, like Appreciative Inquiry, confirm that we get more of – we grow – what we focus on. If we focus on possibility and opportunity, that is what we grow…and if we focus on problems and negativity, that is what we grow. If we focus on frogs, that is what we get!!!

Our wilderness adventure at the cottage reminded of this Cherokee parable I heard a few years ago…

The Two Wolves
A Cherokee elder was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me… it is a terrible fight between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, hatefulness, and lies.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, humbleness, kindness, friendship, generosity, faith, and truth.

This same fight is going on inside of you, and inside every other person, too.”

The children thought about it for a minute. Then one child asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf will win?”

The Cherokee elder replied…

“The one you feed.”

I saw this video clip on youtube, showing Frank Sinatra singing High Hopes. It reminded me about how all of us can use a little more hope in our lives. All we have to do is feed the positive belief…and then notice what happens!

Deri Latimer, CSP, is an expert in possibilities for people! She is one of the top 10% of speakers globally who hold the designation of Certified Speaking Professional, the speaking profession’s measure of excellence in professional platform skill. Deri combines a business degree with experience from business sectors including health care, manufacturing, education, government, mining, transportation, tourism, and professional services. Deri impacts individual and organizational performance by applying the latest research and practice in positive psychology, appreciative inquiry, emotional intelligence, and employee engagement.

Posted in Appreciative Inquiry, Happiness, Resilience | 2 Comments »

Play to your Strengths!

Friday, May 7th, 2010

In my early years’ report cards there was a theme; ‘okay student… talks too much’. It was true! I was a social animal…well, at the very least, I seemed to be unable to control my need to interact with people around me. It wasn’t until years later, that I realized I was an Extrovert. I needed to be able to interact in order to be able to learn. Because the environment was like most learning environments of the time, where ‘quiet’ and ‘order’ were valued, I tried desperately to BE QUIET. I was able to sustain that for a period of time…then my ‘natural’ tendencies would rise up (and it continued to get me in trouble with my teachers). I thought there was something wrong with me. Why could other kids perform well in this environment? Was I defective in some way?
I, only later in life, realized the significance of this experience. I was not at my best when I was quiet (unable to interact with others)…my ability to learn suffered, my overall performance was marginal…and my motivation tanked!
I wonder today if my teachers of the time would be at all surprised with my career choice. I am a professional speaker. I get to spend each day (at least those days when I am not creating new material) interacting with others…being energized by (and hopefully energizing) others. I would not trade this career for any other. I am truly in a position to operate from my strengths, most of the time, when I am working.
One other comment made by my early teachers was that I was a ‘daydreamer’. Well, guess what… I still am! (Another ‘problem’ that is actually an ‘strength’.) I think it’s that strength that feeds my creativity – which keeps me personally engaged in what I do and around which I get most of my positive feedback from clients.
What are are your strengths? It’s sometimes not an easy question to answer. I’ll bet that you know that there are times at work in which you are energized and engaged; and there are other times in which you are not. Therein lies a clue about your strengths. Chances are – when your energy (and performance) is high, your strengths are in use. If you are interested in determining your strengths, there are some online resources available to you. Martin Seligman’s website, Authentic Happiness, features several assessments that are free of charge. You can also keep a simple journal, noting times at work when you are energized and engaged…what are you doing?
How much opportunity do you have to play to your strengths at work? According to Marcus Buckingham, author of ‘Go Put Your Strengths to Work (among other very good reads), only about 12% of us play to our strengths at work.
I speak about this topic – and several related to this topic – every day when I am keynoting a conference or leading a workshop. I cannot describe how exciting it is to watch people begin to be energized about the possibility of using their strengths more at work. It can be a transforming experience for them…you can actually see them change before your eyes! Their skin colour, posture, and overall way of being changes. Imagine capturing that transformation on a more permanent basis in workplaces everywhere!
Well, you can do more than imagine it! No matter what, you must begin with yourself. Start seeking more opportunity to do the work that energizes and engages you. Talk to your leader and share your ideas to play to your strengths more often. I cannot imagine a leader who is not interested in hearing about how you can positively impact your satisfaction and your results.
I saw this video recently…it brought a tear to my eye. It reminded me about the importance of allowing myself, and then others around me, to be who they are and play to their strengths. The possibilities are endless! And, you never know who you might serve, or SURF, in the process!
Service Dog to Surf-ice Dog!

Posted in Appreciative Inquiry, Engagement, Happiness, Human Resource Development, Leadership, Strengths | 6 Comments »

Feeling ‘Blue’?

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

Often, at this time of year, I – and others I know – feel a little ‘blue’. It’s cold outside (at least it is here in many parts of Canada), the holiday madness is over, and another year of goal setting and action planning is upon us. This ‘blue’ feeling is what has inspired me to write this post.
I am, overall, a very happy person. I have realized that, while that is the case most of the time, there are other times where my happiness wanes. During those times, I am aware that my thoughts are different … they are less positive and they are quite clearly impacting my emotion (I feel ‘blue’) and my behaviour.
I speak to audiences every day and share the latest research on happiness and well-being. In fact, the new term in Positive Psychology is ‘flourishing’…isn’t that a wonderful word! So what, I wonder, does a flourishing human being think, feel and do?
I am attracted to, and my audiences appreciate, quick little strategies and tools to shift energy when the ‘blues’ arrive. I’d like to share a few of them with you today.
One great resource I discovered (actually, a wonderful colleague introduced me to this; thank you, Jennifer) is
The Happiness Institute’s Daily Happiness Checklist. You can print this off and keep it close to your desk and quickly review it each day. You’ll definitely notice a shift in your energy.
Another quick resource is to begin a gratitude journal. Each day – record two or three things for which you are grateful. At first, you might find that the items you record are huge, significant items…like the love of your children, your mothers wise words, etc. After awhile you will find yourself including other things …like fresh, crisp air and dental floss. The idea is – and it seems to have sort of magical results – when you focus on what you are grateful for, you magnify the positivity of that item (and you engage the positive emotion of gratitude). Another strategy that I use regularly with groups is to shift negative, unhelpful thoughts to more positive, helpful ones. It sound so simple, and yet results in a shift in energy (from the blues to something warmer…maybe orange!) that can propel you to make different, more productive choices.
Recently, Barbara Ehrenreich has received a lot of press around her book ‘Bright-Sided’ which seems to blame positive thinking for enabling people to avoid confronting serious problems in the workplace, the economy, or in their lives. Ms. Ehrenreich certainly has a point in that none of us is served well if we stick our head in the sand, sing ‘Kum Ba Ya’, and wish that all bad things disappear. We need to be cognizant of what is really happening around us. However, too much focus on problems – in my experience – just creates more (magnifies) problems.
Consider my friend Jane who is dying of cancer. Jane knows the reality – she is dying – and she knows that she has a choice around how she will spend her remaining days with her family. It can only serve Jane well to decide – to choose – to be positive. To think positively about what is possible during her shortened life and to send that energy out to everyone else around her. I mean, what are her options…to spend the short time she has with her loved ones consumed with negativity and sorrow? I cannot fathom any purpose served by Jane staying engaged in negative emotion – no purpose for her and certainly none for her loved ones. Jane is not in denial – she is in choice.
One last strategy I would like to share is one that I use regularly…I love it’s simplicity and effectiveness. Whenever you find yourself in a situation that is not ideal, decide to A.C.T.: Accept your current reality (for Jane, she would say ‘I accept that I am dying’), then Choose a vision of what you would like in this situation (Jane might say ‘I choose to enjoy every moment with my family and to create more lasting, fond memories’), then Take action to achieve the vision. Jane can:
- think positive thoughts about herself
- think positive thoughts about the people around her
- decide to connect with her family whenever she can
- ask lots of questions of others to shift focus away from her illness and toward the myriad of activities that others are involved with
- end each day with a gratitude journal
Each of these actions will help move Jane TOWARD her vision (what she wants) so she is not using her energy moving AWAY from what she does not want (the reality of her situation).
I believe you can be both realistic AND hopeful! As I left my visit with Jane a few days ago, she smiled to me at the door and said ‘you never know, Deri…I might just be a medical miracle’. And, I agree, you never know – so why not think (feel and do) like it’s possible. I’d call that flourishing!
What do you think?

Posted in Appreciative Inquiry, Engagement, Happiness, Human Resource Development, Resilience | 8 Comments »

Move INTO A NEW GROOVE in 2010!

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

This is the time of year when many of us are thinking about the new year ahead of us. It is a common practice to begin thinking about resolutions for the new year. Of course, we all know the humour around New Year’s Resolutions…they often aren’t very long-lived (i.e. resolve on January 1, break the resolution on January 3!!) Like all good intentions, new year’s resolutions are just that…good intentions. They need some work in order for them to become reality!
There are some other resources you can use to help you focus on what you want as you look ahead. One is called The Coaching Game . I learned about (and purchased) this great resource while attending the First World Congress on Positive Psychology this summer. The game allow you to ask yourself questions, and then uses pictures, words, and stories to help you self-discover.
Another amazing resource that I have used with clients for many years is an Outcome Specification Exercise. This set of questions allow you to identify – at a sensory level – what it is that you want and how you will know when you have it. It is a modification of an exercise I learned when I became certified as a Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner. Ask yourself these questions to specify your outcome.
1) What specifically do you want?
Make sure this is stated positively. For example, rather than saying “I want to lose 20 pounds’, says something like ‘I want to be healthy’.
2) How will you know that you have reached your outcome?
Identify exactly how you will know that you have what you want. Identify what you will see, hear and feel, that will indicate to you that you have what you want.
3) How would an observer be able to detect that you have what you want?
Think about others around you…how would they be able to know that you have reached your outcome? What will they see; what will they hear?
4) What will having this outcome do for you?
Identify all of the benefits of having your outcome.
5) What stops you from having it now?
Keep asking yourself this question ‘what else stops you?’ until you have no more responses.
6) What are you willing to do in order to get your outcome?
This will help you to begin to develop the necessary action steps required to achieve your outcome…including different ways of thinking, feeling and behaving.
7) What are you willing to stop doing (something you have been doing that has been preventing you for getting your outcome) in order to get your outcome?
This last question can be very illuminating! Sometimes we get in our own way!
Try one of these strategies – or another one – and let me know how it goes!
In the mean time…best wishes for a GROOVY new year!!

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Posted in Change, Happiness, Human Resource Development, Resilience | 2 Comments »

What is NLP?

Wednesday, November 11th, 2009

I am often asked ‘what is NLP?’  I became a certified practitioner of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) in 1991.  After a brief exposure to it through a colleague, I instantly recognized how NLP could be useful to me – in my work and in my life.

NLP is an approach to positive personal change.  It  provides a set of tools to help deal with unhelpful patterns of thought and behaviour, while simulatenously introducing new, helpful patterns.  NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming) was created by Dr. Richard Bandler and Dr. John Grinder in the early 1970′s.  As the name suggests, NLP is about the relationship between the brain (neuro), verbal and non-verbal language used to communicate (linguistic), and the unique way they come together to create behaviour (programming).

You have some personal programs that work for you; and others that work against you.  NLP allows you to keep the ones that work for you and change those that do not.  The key, of course, is in being able to identify the program…NLP is about increasing your self-awareness, and then taking control of your thinking.

One enlightening NLP exercise has to do with recognizing and shaking limiting beliefs.  A limiting belief generally begins with one of the following:

‘I can’t… ’

EXAMPLE: ‘I can’t speak in public.’

‘People should…’ 

EXAMPLE: ‘People should be friendlier.’

‘Everyone thinks…’

EXAMPLE: ‘Everyone thinks communication in this company is poor.’

‘People never…’

EXAMPLE: ‘People never listen to me.’

Whenever you hear yourself making one of these statements, try this strategy. 

Step 1: Challenge the belief: Where does this belief come from?  Is this belief still valid?  What evidence do I have to support this belief?  What evidence suggests the belief is untrue?

Step 2: Find an alternative belief: Consider many possibilities.  Try on new beliefs that are more positive and choose the best one for you.

Step 3: Integrate the new belief:  Imagine how things will be different with the new belief and consider how you will feel about this change.  imagine yourself doing going through your life, interacting with others, with the new belief.  How do you feel?  Is this motivating for you?

Even though the name is long and looks complicated, the strategies of NLP are quite easy and straightforward.  The key is repetition and attention.  In the strategy above, if the belief is well ingrained in your thinking (if you have held the belief for a long time or if it is associated with a significant experience or memory), you may need to repeat the process about several times before you can fully integrate the new belief.  Then, attend to the new results in your thinking, feeling and behaviour. 

Do you have a belief that is getting in your way?  Send your story after you try the strategy above.  What new results are true for you?

 

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