Category Archives: Leadership

Put a Little Love in your Heart

Heart…and the world will be a better place for you and me.

Do you believe that? Is it as simple as putting a little love in your heart? Will the world really be a better place?

I believe it. I believe that love trumps hate, that good trumps bad, that kindness trumps meanness….and I believe that we all benefit when we all have a little more love in our heart.

The lyrics by Jackie DeShannon provide a few insights about what you can do, like ‘Think of your fellow man, lend him a helping hand’, and ‘I hope when you decide, kindness will be your guide’.

I am reminded in this month of love, about another song by Haddaway called ‘What is Love?’ While I cannot help but think of the Saturday Night Live skit featuring Jim Carrey, Chris Kattan and Will Ferrell (with a huge smile on my face…and a little love in my heart),

..it dawned on me that we could all use a reminder of what love is, and how we might be able to put a little love in our heart. This skit is so engaging because it reminds us all of our search for ‘love’, for acceptance, for connection as we navigate our way through life. It also adds a humorous look at how we often don’t really know what love is. Rather than focusing on what love is NOT (love is not pain, like the lyrics, ‘Baby, don’t hurt me’ remind us), let’s focus on what love is and some things that you CAN do to generate it.

LOVE is strong attachment, attraction, warm affection, enthusiasm or devotion. When you think of this definition, what is ‘love’ to you?

Here is a little LOVE acronym with some ideas to help you put a little love in your heart:

L – Look around. On purpose, every day, choose to focus on what brings love into your heart. It might be a person, a pet, a place, a thing…take a few moments at the beginning and end of your day to focus on and ‘feel’ love in your heart. Remember to purposely focus on what you love about YOURSELF, and what you add to the people, places and things around you.

OOpt for compassion. You might not always ‘lend a helping hand’, maybe ‘kindness’ isn’t always ‘your guide’ – in fact, maybe you behaved down-right badly toward another person or situation. Show compassion to yourself (and to others when they might need that from you). Give yourself the oportunity to make an adjustment. Perhaps you will apologize, or maybe you will offer forgiveness. In all cases, let go and move on (with a little love in your heart).

V – Be Vulnerable. Rather than waiting for someone else to show kindness toward you, choose to go first. Put yourself on the line. Reach out. Help someone else. Make that call you don’t have time to make. Stop and chat with someone you might otherwise walk past. Offer a compliment or a word of encouragement to another person (and to yourself).

E – Nourish the Ecosystem. You Matter. What you think, feel and do makes a difference to you and to the ecosystems of which you are a part. Every moment of every day you are either contributing positively to the ecosystem (yourself, your family, your community, your workplace), or not. You determine whether or not ‘the world will be a better place’, or not. Choose positive. Choose nourishment. Choose life. Choose love.

And, if your mind and body are full of love….if the world is full of love….there is no room, no space, no chance for anything else to exist. And that is just better for you and me.

Deri Latimer is an expert in positive possibilities for people! A TEDx Speaker and Author, Deri’s message reinforces that positive habits are the pathway to a happier and healthier life – at work, and at home! www.derilatimer.com

 

 

Do You See What I See?

SmilingWomanRecently, I purchased a one year licence to use Zoom, a video conferencing service. I had experienced it prior to purchasing it and I liked the opportunity to interact with many people while being able to see them. For years I have used conference call lines for large groups; I now plan to replace that with Zoom.

On a recent Zoom call, I was keenly aware of both the opportunities and the challenges of a video call. Since I have a huge orientation to look at the positive in everything, I noticed the opportunities first:

  • being able to see people allows for a much more intimate connection with them
  • when facilitating a call, you can see people raise their hand when they want to speak, rather than dealing with the constant ‘uh…’ ‘ih…’ ‘oh…’ sounds as people try to get a word in edgewise on a phone call
  • you notice ‘how’ the person looks as they are sharing information, and as they are listening; as you would in a live conversation, you can stop and check in with people regularly
  • when people know they are being seen, they are less likely to ‘multi-task’ while on the call and are more ‘fully present’ for the time to which they have committed
  • there is less noise overall – since people are not multi-tasking and moving objects around their desk – and Zoom has a simple way to mute people who might have some external noise in their environment

The challenges only occurred to me after using Zoom for awhile:

  • people’s faces can be distracting! If someone is looking frustrated or unhappy, it can distract everyone else from the task at hand
  • actually, that is the only challenge I have encountered with Zoom – other than the fact that with a video call you have to be dressed!

It got me thinking…do they see what I see? Are people aware of ‘what’s written all over their face’?

After another Zoom call, I reached out to two people who I thought looked very frustrated for the duration of the call. Given the nature of the group, and the sensitivity in many of the relationships, I decided to reach out to these people individually after the call, rather than checking in with them during the call. Both replied relatively similarly, identifying exhaustion, overwork, and other factors unrelated to the topic of our call, as the cause of their frustrated-looking faces.

I began to wonder how aware I am of ‘what’s written all over my face’ when I am on a Zoom call, in a meeting or participating in a workshop? Since I do not ‘see’ myself from others’ perspectives, I might be communicating something to others in the room that does not reflect the message I would like to send to them.

So, what can we each do to ensure that we are sending the right non-verbal messages at the right time to the right people. I recommend this three-step process that I have been using successfully over the last few weeks:

  1. Far ahead of the call, meeting, or workshop (the face to face exchange), take two minutes to remind yourself of why you are going to be there. What is your purpose? Perhaps your purpose is to gather information from a group of people so that you can provide better value for them.
  2. In the two minutes before the face to face exchange, ask yourself how your answer to #1 would appear to other people who will be looking at you? What will they see? If you are asking these people to share information with you, you likely want them to see caring and curiosity in your eyes, openness in your smile and your gestures, encouragement in your voice.
  3. Behave (look) like you are curious, caring, open and encouraging. Just ‘be’ those things you want others to ‘see’. What does caring look like? How about openness?

Taking a few minutes in your busy day to think about your purpose, or your outcome, can help you create the kind of environment that will serve that purpose…rather than unwittingly wearing a ‘face’ that moves you away from what you truly want to create.

Deri Latimer is an expert in positive possibilities for people! A TEDx Speaker and Author, Deri’s message reinforces that positive habits are the pathway to a happier and healthier life – at work, at home and at any age! www.derilatimer.com

 

 

We Need to Talk: Opening the Doors to a Dialogue about Mental Health in the Workplace

IMG_1662Every day I visit workplaces across this beautiful country (and beyond) and I hear stories of the challenges facing people as they conduct their lives. We all have a story. Many of us are unable or unwilling to share our story with others. We are afraid to truly let others see us and know our truth.

Whatever your views are about confidentiality and privacy; I believe that we need to open the doors – no, tear down the doors – to enable a full dialogue about mental health in the workplace. We are living in a time in which people are literally dying with their story still inside; and that can be changed.

At this delicate time of year, a struggle for many people who experience mental health challenges, it is particularly important to direct our attention to this topic.

I have had the opportunity to meet and work with a beautiful young woman this year. Her name is Jasmine Zyzniewski and she is a 4th year psychology student at Canadian Mennonite University in Winnipeg, Manitoba. Jasmine is not only beautiful, she is smart, confident, and sociable; and Jasmine has a story. What impressed me most when I met her, was her willingness to be who she is, to share her truth and to demonstrate the strength of character it takes to be truly authentic.

Here is some of her story.

      I can remember waking up one morning and feeling the panic set in. It had been years since I had been diagnosed with my anxiety and panic disorder, so I knew what the day was going to bring. Severe hallucinations and blackouts were on the menu and I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it through a day of work. I called my boss and was forced to make up an excuse for why I couldn’t come in. “Sorry, I have the flu” or “There has been a family emergency”, were two of my favorites. Sadly enough, after conversations with others who suffer from a mental illness, I realized I wasn’t alone in the “excuse-making” skills that I had developed.

     According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, 20 percent of our population will be directly affected by a mental illness in their lifetime. This means that one in five people that we casually walk past on the street are currently struggling with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or one of the many other mental illnesses that our society claims to understand and acknowledge. So why is it that most of our workplaces, where we spend a vast majority of our time, aren’t accepting or open to talk about mental health? Or better yet, why do those who suffer with mental illnesses feel as if a “mental health day” is not a good enough reason to miss work when it is necessary? If it is okay to miss work because I have a cold or a back ache, why is it not okay to miss work when I am experiencing a depressive episode or a particularly bad time with my anxiety?

     I know – maybe you think I will take advantage of your sick plan; that I will ‘fake it’. Well, trust me…I will no more fake a mental illness than I will lie about a physical illness. So, let’s just put that argument to rest.

     Consider, if you will, a few more relevant statistics. The Mental Health Commission of Canada states that mental health problems and illnesses account for approximately 30 percent of short and long term disability claims from employees. The financial impact to the Canadian economy is significant.  Of all claims placed, 47 percent of those that were approved were also mental health related. Therefore, I believe it is time to take action within our workplaces to ensure that employees feel safe enough to talk about mental health so that they can take early measures to maintain this area of their health and well-being.

     To do this, the Workplace Mental Health Promotion initiative of the Ontario CMHA believes that employers may need to address the stigma and discrimination surrounding mental health in the workplace and be willing to make positive changes to adapt to those who suffer from them.  It has been my personal experience to feel embarrassed about my mental health. Because of this embarrassment, I isolated myself from society and avoided treatment options in fear of others finding out about my mental illness. Although I realize now that having both a support system at home and at work could have sped up my recovery process and put me on a path of healing and transformation.

     So, let’s not waste any more time. The Ontario CMHA has come up with a list of “Do’s and Don’ts” that employers should take note of in order to create a safe and open space for those suffering from mental health issues.

Don’t:

  • Portray successful people with disabilities as the exception
  • Use generic labels; many of the terms I hear on a daily basis are “retarded”, “crazy” and “psycho”
  • Use the term “insane”; this is strictly reserved for legal purposes
  • Allow others to use these terms in your presence (When these terms are used within a workplace, people will begin to feel isolated and ashamed of their mental health. The negative repercussions that I have observed can include everything from choosing to leave the workplace entirely, to experiencing an epic destruction to your self-esteem and sense of well-being.)

 Do:

  • Use respectful language at all times (It is okay to say that I have a mental illness; it is not contagious, it is like any other illness – cancer, heart disease, diabetes – it is simply something with which I have to learn to cope
  • Emphasize abilities, not limitations; I have far more gifts than I do limitations
  • Refer to the person, not their disability or mental illness
  • Stop stigmatizing attitudes in their tracks!

      A few small changes in language surrounding mental health in the workplace could extremely influence the positive support that is perceived and received by those with mental illnesses. Make your employees feel safe and welcome within the workplace, I promise everyone will benefit.

Isn’t she lovely…you can see why I like her. Not only is she an accomplished student who will surely go places in her career, she is a thoughtful young woman who has something important to say. I am grateful that she can say it here – with me – and to important people like you.

As you pass people in the malls, on the streets and in your workplaces; I invite you to pause, to take just a moment to see people, to hear them. You never know what will transpire. You never know what conversation might ensue. It might even be one that you did not know you needed to have.

Happy Holidays, one and all. Let’s go out and change the world!

Co-wrtitten by:

Jasmine Zyzniewski is a fourth and final year student completing her BA in Psychology with a minor in Peace and Conflict Transformation studies. She aims to normalize and contribute to mental health awareness through optimistic and positive reflections on herself and her surroundings. Alongside her studies, she loves DIY crafts, spending time with family and any good book she can get her hands on.

Deri Latimer is an expert in positive possibilities for people! A TEDx Speaker and Author, Deri’s message reinforces that positive habits are the pathway to a happier and healthier life – at work, at home and at any age! www.derilatimer.com

How to Have a Caring Conversation with Someone who is Making You Miserable

WomenShakeHands3“My boss is a bully.”

“My co-worker constantly berates me for making even the smallest error, or asking what she deems a ‘stupid’ question.”

“My colleague’s voice tone is condescending and insulting toward me when we are in meetings.”

Do you work with someone whose behavior is challenging your energy and enthusiasm for work? Maybe it’s a family member, who you find yourself avoiding because he or she is a real ‘downer’ at family gatherings.

Having a caring conversation with someone who is making you miserable can be challenging. Like most conversations that are worth having, this one requires a little bit of planning and foresight. Also, like most conversations that are worth having, this is one that you will surely be glad you have had, after it is done.

Remember these simple tips as you prepare for your conversation:

Purpose prevails.

Think about your purpose in having this conversation with this person. Why is it important? What impact is the challenging behavior having on your relationship? What’s in it for you and for the other person, to change the course of your communication in the future?

What’s recent is remembered.

When you are preparing for the conversation, think about and address only the most recent example of challenging behavior. For example, you might say “Yesterday you yelled at me and called me ‘irresponsible’ when I made an error in the order.” That is more effective than saying “You always yell at me.” or “You are a bully”. or “Three weeks ago you yelled at me.” When your language is about a specific occasion that is fresh in the other person’s mind, you can more easily focus your conversation on that one example.

Anticipation beats aggravation.

Before you meet with the other person, think about how you imagine he or she will react to what you wish to discuss. What might he say? How might she behave? If you are able to anticipate his or her reaction, you can prepare yourself for it. Sometimes this helps you in thinking about how you will open your conversation. For example, you might start with “Sally, I know that you are struggling with some tough things in your life right now.” or “George, we have not spent a lot of quality time together at these family gatherings because there is often so much going on.”

Empathy enlightens.

Whatever happens during the conversation, choose to empathize, to look at the situation from the other person’s perspective. When you empathize, you naturally ask questions to help you understand (their position), rather than defend (your position). “Joe, it seems to be frustrating for you to have to keep training new staff, only to have them leave after only a few months.”

Openness leads to opportunity.

Choose, as you prepare for the conversation, to be open. Although you prepare ahead of time for what you want to say, you are also open to hearing new information that can help you to determine – together – how you can get along moving forward.  Sitting in silence, breathing deeply, and repeating the words ‘I am open’ before you meet with this person, can help you be in a positive place when you enter the meeting.

Hopeful helps.

End with a statement about how you are confident and hopeful about the future of your relationship with this person. In fact, start with this as your opening also!

Opening: “Jane, I value you as my leader, and I’d like to have a conversation about something that is getting in the way of our working relationship. I know that after we have this conversation, my performance will be enhanced and so will our department’s results.”

Closing: “I sincerely appreciate your time today, Jane, and I am confident that we will be able to continue to develop the kind of working relationship that will help us both to achieve our goals.”

Positive propels!

The next time you see something positive from that person, point it out! Even if the positive occasion is a rare one, take time to show your appreciation. The more you focus on ‘what’s good’, the more of that you will get!

Have you got any tips to share – something that has worked for you?

Deri Latimer is an expert in positive possibilities for people! She is one of fewer than 10% of speakers globally who hold the designation of CSP (Certified Speaking Professional), the international measure of excellence for professional competence, proven experience, and optimal client satisfaction. Deri combines a business degree in human resources management with 20 years of experience engaging audiences across every business sector. Deri provides inspiration and information to create psychologically healthy organizations for increased positivity, productivity, and profitability!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tell a Story, Change a Life

Ali and Max 2000

Ali and Max 2000

Christmas morning, 2000. Max was 3 and Ali was 6. Our tradition had been (and still is) that Randy headed down stairs to turn on the tree lights and grab the video camera. Then Ali, Max and I march down stairs for the big ‘reveal’ of the tree and all it’s splendor, the gifts waiting to be opened, the bursting full stockings, and – of course – the plate of crumbs and empty glass of milk left by Santa.

 

 

Ali and Max stood side by side, eyes wide open and smiles bigger than their faces, saying some version of ‘Santa came, Santa was here!’.
Randy began to ask questions (for our video collection which Randy and I are pretty sure we will spend our retirement going over and over and over!!).
‘So, did anyone hear anything on the rooftop last night?’
‘Yes, yes , yes!!’ says Ali.
‘I heard footsteps and I also heard some clicking sounds – I think it was Santa and Rudolph!!’
‘Then I heard some crunching sounds and drinking sounds – like chew, chew, chew and glug, glug, glug – it was Santa eating the treat we left him! He must have liked it – look, it’s all gone!’

Max’s eyes got even bigger as he listened to Ali describe all of the sounds she heard.
‘Me too…that is what I heard! I heard Santa and Rudolph too! I did!!!!’  Enthusiasm and conviction radiated from his every pore!

I can remember that morning as clear as a bell. As Ali described the story of what she had ‘experienced’, Max was also living that story. Just like maybe you are experiencing a similar story from your life, just by reading this one from mine.

Leo Wildrich wrote a blog post called What listening to a story does to our brains.  In that post, Leo shares:

“When we tell stories to others that have really helped us shape our thinking and way of life, we can have the same effect on them too. The brains of the person telling a story and listening to it, can synchronize, says Uri Hasson from Princeton:

“When the woman spoke English, the volunteers understood her story, and their brains synchronized.  When she had activity in her insula, an emotional brain region, the listeners did too.  When her frontal cortex lit up, so did theirs. By simply telling a story, the woman could plant ideas, thoughts and emotions into the listeners’ brains.”

Anything you’ve experienced, you can get others to experience the same. Or at least, get their brain areas that you’ve activated that way, active too.

That’s what happened when Ali told her story of Santa and Rudolph; Max’s brain synchronized with hers.  She, in essence, gave him his first gift that Christmas morning!

Brains love stories.  When we hear a story, we relate it to our own experience and that helps the story to ‘stick’ in our minds.

Leo adds four tips for using stories as a communication tool: 1) Tell stories that reflect something important you’d like the listener to think, feel or do (their brain will turn the story into something from their own experience – and it will become ‘their’ story); 2) Write using stories – your own or those of another expert to persuade your audience; 3) Keep your stories simple (less complex stories are ‘stickier’), and 4) Use colorful, emotional words in your stories (some words or phrases like ‘a bad day’ or ‘be responsible’ are overused and begin to lack meaning for people and, thus, lack ‘stickiness’).

So, as the holiday season approaches, what stories can you share – at home and at work? I’d love to hear one of your stories from holidays past (and my brain will definitely thank you – as will the brains of everyone else who reads your story!)  Let’s spread some good holiday storytelling cheer!!